doing something great that would pay for all. And that last winter I did
not make my expenses, even. After borrowing every cent that mother could
spare (more than she ought to have spared; it was doing without a girl
that broke her down) and denying myself, or denying her, my home visit at
Christmas; and setting up in a studio of my own, and taking pains to have
all the surroundings that are said to bring success,--and then, after all,
to fail, and fail, and fail! And spring came, and mother looked so ill, and
the doctor said she must have rest, total rest and change; and he looked at
me as if he would like to say, 'You did it!' Well, the 'rest' I brought her
was my debts and my failure and remorse; and I wasn't even in good health,
I was so used up with my winter's struggle. It was then, in the midst of
all that trouble and shame and horror at myself, his sweet letter came. No,
not sweet, but manly and generous,--utterly generous, as he always was. I
ought to have loved him, uncle dear; I always knew it, and I did try very
hard! He did not feel his way this time, but just poured out his whole
heart once for all; I knew he would never ask me again. And then the fatal
word; he said he had grown rich. He could give me the opportunities my
nature demanded. You know how he would talk. He believed in me, if nobody
else ever did; I could not have convinced him that I was a failure.

"It was very soothing to my wounds. I was absolutely shaken by the
temptation. It meant so much; such a refuge from self-contempt and poverty
and blame, and such rest and comfort it would bring to mother! I hope that
had something to do with it. You see I am looking for a loophole to crawl
out of; I haven't strength of mind to face it without some excuse. Well, I
answered that letter; and I think the evil one himself must have helped me,
for I wrote it, my first careful, deliberate piece of double-dealing, just
as easily as if I had been practicing for it all my life. It was such a
letter as any man would have thought meant everything; yet if I had wanted,
I could have proved by the words themselves that it meant nothing that