but they would return upon her memory, and linger there with tormenting
obstinacy. Vain was it that she mingled in scenes of gayety and mirth;
vainly did she become "the gayest of the gay." The conviction became
stronger, as each week rolled away, that she was _a lost sinner_. Under the
influence of divine truth she continued to become more deeply impressed
with the importance of giving her heart to God and being a new creature.
She herself says, "I lost all relish for amusements; felt melancholy and
dejected; and the solemn truth that I must obtain a new heart, or perish
forever, lay with weight upon my mind." At length her feelings-became so
overpowering that she could not confine them within her own bosom. God had
rolled such a weight of conviction on her mind that she was almost crushed
to the earth. How God could forgive _her_ sins, she could not see. How one
so guilty, so rebellious, so hardened, could obtain mercy, she did not
know. Instead, at this time, of giving her heart to God, she resorted to
other means to find relief from sin. She gave up many of the comforts
of life, locked herself into her room, and spent many weary hours in
self-imposed penance. Against the holy claims of God her heart soon
rebelled, and she longed to be taken out of her misery.

At length she attained a more scriptural view of the way of salvation; she
saw Christ as a vicarious sacrifice, and felt that, if saved at all, it
must be by his blood, and not by her own imperfect righteousness. This
view of Jesus was sweet and precious. He had become, not the Savior of the
world, but _her_ own Savior; he had died, not merely for the sins of the
race, but for _her_ sins; and in this sacred contemplation her soul found
sweet relief. The torturing load of fears was gone; one sight of Christ had
changed the heart and taken away its grief and sin. Like a liberated slave
she rejoiced in perfect freedom, and her happy soul went out in joyful
thanks to Him who had wrought the work.