The stage lawyer is a very talkative gentleman. He regards the
telling of his client's most private affairs to every stranger that he
meets as part of his professional duties. A good gossip with a few
chance acquaintances about the family secrets of his employers is food
and drink for the stage lawyer.

They all go about telling their own and their friends' secrets to
perfect strangers on the stage. Whenever two people have five minutes
to spare on the stage they tell each other the story of their lives.
"Sit down and I will tell you the story of my life" is the stage
equivalent for the "Come and have a drink" of the outside world.

The good stage lawyer has generally nursed the heroine on his knee
when a baby (when she was a baby, we mean)--when she was only so high.
It seems to have been a part of his professional duties. The good
stage lawyer also kisses all the pretty girls in the play and is
expected to chuck the housemaid under the chin. It is good to be a
good stage lawyer.

The good stage lawyer also wipes away a tear when sad things happen;
and he turns away to do this and blows his nose, and says he thinks he
has a fly in his eye. This touching trait in his character is always
held in great esteem by the audience and is much applauded.

The good stage lawyer is never by any chance a married man. (Few good
men are, so we gather from our married lady friends.) He loved in
early life the heroine's mother. That "sainted woman" (tear and nose
business) died and is now among the angels--the gentleman who did
marry her, by the bye, is not quite so sure about this latter point,
but the lawyer is fixed on the idea.