to him too. Whether he felt remorse or--which is far more likely--wished
to bind me for ever to my home, to my family--my family!--anyway, he
assigned me a pension, which was to be paid into my stepfather's hands,
and to be given to me till I married.... This humiliating alms, this
pension I still receive... that is to say, Mr. Ratsch receives it for
me....

We settled in Moscow. I swear by the memory of my poor mother, I would
not have remained two days, not two hours, with my stepfather, after
once reaching the town... I would have gone away, not knowing where...
to the police; I would have flung myself at the feet of the
governor-general, of the senators; I don't know what I would have done,
if it had not happened, at the very moment of our starting from the
country, that the girl who had been our maid managed to give me a letter
from Michel! Oh, that letter! How many times I read over each line, how
many times I covered it with kisses! Michel besought me not to lose
heart, to go on hoping, to believe in his unchanging love; he swore that
he would never belong to any one but me; he called me his wife, he
promised to overcome all hindrances, he drew a picture of our future, he
asked of me only one thing, to be patient, to wait a little....

And I resolved to wait and be patient. Alas! what would I not have
agreed to, what would I not have borne, simply to do his will! That
letter became my holy thing, my guiding star, my anchor. Sometimes when
my stepfather would begin abusing and insulting me, I would softly lay
my hand on my bosom (I wore Michel's letter sewed into an amulet) and
only smile. And the more violent and abusive was Mr. Ratsch, the easier,
lighter, and sweeter was the heart within me.... I used to see, at last,
by his eyes, that he began to wonder whether I was going out of my
mind.... Following on this first letter came a second, still more full