Mr. Ratsch did not think fit in those days to keep up such a show of
good spirits as he maintains now: he always wore a morose air and tried
to pass for a busy, hard-working person. To me he was cruel and rude. I
felt relief when I retired from Ivan Matveitch's presence; but my own
home too I was glad to leave.... Unhappy was my youth! For ever tossed
from one shore to the other, with no desire to anchor at either! I would
run across the courtyard in winter, through the deep snow, in a thin
frock--run to the big house to read to Ivan Matveitch, and as it were be
glad to go.... But when I was there, when I saw those great cheerless
rooms, the bright-coloured, upholstered furniture, that courteous and
heartless old man in the open silk wadded jacket, in the white jabot and
white cravat, with lace ruffles falling over his fingers, with a
_soupcon_ of powder (so his valet expressed it) on his combed-back
hair, I felt choked by the stifling scent of _ambre_, and my heart
sank. Ivan Matveitch usually sat in a large low chair; on the wall
behind his head hung a picture, representing a young woman, with a
bright and bold expression of face, dressed in a sumptuous Hebrew
costume, and simply covered with precious stones, with diamonds.... I
often stole a glance at this picture, but only later on I learned that
it was the portrait of my mother, painted by her father at Ivan
Matveitch's request. She had changed indeed since those days! Well had
he succeeded in subduing and crushing her! 'And she loved him! Loved
that old man!' was my thought.... 'How could it be! Love him!' And yet,
when I recalled some of my mother's glances, some half-uttered phrases
and unconscious gestures.... 'Yes, yes, she did love him!' I repeated
with horror. Ah, God, spare others from knowing aught of such feelings!

Every day I read to Ivan Matveitch, sometimes for three or four hours
together.... So much reading in such a loud voice was harmful to me. Our
doctor was anxious about my lungs and even once communicated his fears