infirmities, had now, with his bad leg, an exemption from such duties,
and I was now left alone. One little incident may serve to make you
understand my way of managing my mind. Within a day or 2 after the fatal
ONE, we drest for dinner a tongue, which we had had salted for some
weeks in the house. As I sat down a feeling like remorse struck
me,--this tongue poor Mary got for me, and can I partake of it now, when
she is far away--a thought occurrd and relieved me,--if I give in to
this way of feeling, there is not a chair, a room, an object in our
rooms, that will not awaken the keenest griefs, I must rise above such
weaknesses.--I hope this was not want of true feeling. I did not let
this carry me, tho', too far. On the very 2d day (I date from the day of
horrors) as is usual in such cases there were a matter of 20 people I do
think supping in our room. They prevailed on me to eat _with them_, (for
to eat I never refused). They were all making merry! in the room,--some
had come from friendship, some from busy curiosity, and some from
Interest; I was going to partake with them, when my recollection came
that my poor dead mother was lying in the next room, the very next room,
a mother who thro' life wished nothing but her children's welfare--
indignation, the rage of grief, something like remorse, rushed upon my
mind in an agony of emotion,--I found my way mechanically to the
adjoining room, and fell on my knees by the side of her coffin, asking
forgiveness of heaven, and sometimes of her, for forgetting her so soon.
Tranquillity returned, and it was the only violent emotion that mastered
me, and I think it did me good.

I mention these things because I hate concealment, and love to give a
faithful journal of what passes within me. Our friends have been very
good. Sam Le Grice who was then in town was with me the first 3 or 4
first days, and was as a brother to me, gave up every hour of his time,
to the very hurting of his health and spirits, in constant attendance