must own I passed many bitter moments at that time. I was conscious
that I was not capable of filling Kolosov's place; I was conscious that
Varia's past was so full, so rich ... and her present so poor.... I got
to the point of an involuntary shudder at the words 'Do you remember'
... with which almost every sentence of hers began. She grew a little
thinner during the first days of our acquaintance ... but afterwards
got better again, and even grew cheerful; she might have been compared
then with a wounded bird, not yet quite recovered. Meanwhile my
position had become insupportable; the lowest passions gradually gained
possession of my soul; it happened to me to slander Kolosov in Varia's
presence. I resolved to cut short such unnatural relations. But how?
Part from Varia--I could not.... Declare my love to her--I did not
dare; I felt that I could not, as yet, hope for a return. Marry her....
This idea alarmed me; I was only eighteen; I felt a dread of putting
all my future into bondage so early; I thought of my father, I could
hear the jeering comments of Kolosov's comrades.... But they say every
thought is like dough; you have only to knead it well--you can make
anything you like of it. I began, for whole days together, to dream of
marriage.... I imagined what gratitude would fill Varia's heart when I,
the friend and confidant of Kolosov, should offer her my hand, knowing
her to be hopelessly in love with another. Persons of experience, I
remembered, had told me that marriage for love is a complete absurdity;
I began to indulge my fancy; I pictured to myself our peaceful life
together in some snug corner of South Russia; an mentally I traced the
gradual transition in Varia's heart from gratitude to affection, from
affection to love.... I vowed to myself at once to leave Moscow, the
university, to forget everything and every one. I began to avoid
meeting Kolosov.

At last, one bright winter day (Varia had been somehow peculiarly