WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FREE TRADE.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: In a paper of such great influence as PUNCHINELLO,
vast subjects should be set before the community. I know of none vaster
than Free Trade. You see, every body understands that subject and nobody
can explain it. I propose, therefore, to turn the light of my penny dip
upon it, and to set forth, in concise language, what I know about free
trade.

It must be premised that there is a great deal to be said on the other
side, and that nothing can be more abominable than free trade to a
protectionist, unless it be protection to a free trader. Free trade
is--well--free trade is--well--let me illustrate: cigars made out of
cabbages are not nice; not to put too fine a point upon it, they're
nasty. We are greater at raising cabbages than we are at sprouting cigar
tobacco. Under these circumstances the free trader (he's a smoker, or if
he isn't, his aunt or sister is) says we want Havana cigars to enter our
lips without the taint of revenue. That's free trade.

Every youth is a free trader. Don't you remember your own youthful
follies? If you are of the male persuasion, would you have traded your
jack-knife for TOM SMITH'S bull-pup, if there had been a tariff on the
pup. Or, if you are of the feminine persuasibility, would you have
swapped your crying-doll for BETSY JONSES' ring-tailed cat, if the cat
had been compelled to crawl through the custom-house and pay duties?
Besides, don't you remember how often your mother deprived you of a
second cup of tea, on the plea that it would injure your health? Much as
I respect your mamma, I can not refrain from informing you that that
plea was false, and that it was the absence of free trade that deprived
you of a second cup of China whiskey. Then you know that the lump-sugar,