abandoned all hope, accused herself of having played the hypocrite, and
fancied she was given over to hardness of heart. At length she sought
counsel of her pastor and confided to him her trouble, but he "did not
know exactly what to do with me." In the midst of her distress, and as
its effect, no doubt, she was taken ill and confined to her room, where
in solitude she passed several weeks seeking rest and finding none.
"Sometimes I tried to pray, but this only increased my distress and
made me cry out for annihilation to free me from the agony which seemed
insupportable." With a single interval of comparative indifference, this
state of mind continued for nearly four months. She thus describes it:

It was in vain that I sought the Lord in any of the lofty pathways
through which my heart wished to go. At last I found it impossible to
carry on the struggle any longer alone. I would gladly have put myself
at the feet of a little child, if by so doing I could have found peace.
I felt so guilty and the character of God appeared so perfect in its
purity and holiness, that I knew not which way to turn. The sin which
distressed me most of all was the rejection of the Saviour. This haunted
me constantly and made me fly first to one thing and then another, in
the hope of finding somewhere the peace which I would not accept from
Him. It was at this time that I kept reading over the first twelve
chapters of Doddridge's "Rise and Progress,"--the rest of the book I
abhorred. So great was my agony that I can only wonder at the goodness
of Him who held my life in His hands, and would not permit me in the
height of my despair to throw myself away.

It was in this height of despair that thoughts of the infinite grace
and love of Christ, which she says she had hitherto repelled, began to
irradiate her soul. A sermon on His ability to save "unto the uttermost"
deeply affected her. [2] "While listening to it my weary spirit _rested_