SMALL TALK AND SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS, OR HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF AGREEABLE.


Conversation, like a shuttlecock, should not be suffered to remain with one
person, but ought to pass in turn to all. But as few people think for
themselves, so few people talk for themselves, and a colloquial monopoly is
as common and as disagreeable as any other. Yet when we observe how much
these rattles are caressed, 'tis wonderful there are so few. Talent is by
no means indispensable, and is the more valuable in proportion as it is
flimsy or superficial. The great art lies in the choice of a subject. Let
it be some _liaison_ in the _beau monde_--the appearance of a new singer or
actress--the detail of a recent duel, with particulars and embellishments,
and your fortune is made at once. Do not affect any thing like a literary
character, for scholars are reckoned _bores_. The only matters of this sort
with which you can safely meddle are the fashionable novels--satirical
poems--the magazines, and newspapers (eschewing the political articles as
vulgar). It is absolutely necessary to be familiar with the names of all
the editors in town, and these can easily be picked up from any of the
tatterdemalions who prowl about police offices for the purpose of reporting
the trials at a penny per line, which is, in most cases, exactly a penny
per line too much. You must drop the complimentary _Mr._, and say, "A. of
the Chronicle and I--the last time I saw B. of the Globe--C. of the
Spectator told me t'other day," and so on. Of course it is not of the
slightest consequence whether you ever saw one of the parties. You must
also affect to be intimate with the theatrical _lions_, and be aware of the
true state of all managerial squabbles for the season. Swear you have dined
a dozen times with Sontag. _En passant_, the idea of a singer's patronizing
a nation _wholesale_, as she has done in the case of the Silesians, is
rather too good. Be indignant with Price for forfeiting Ellen Tree three