several times in the sum of thirty pounds, and suppress the fact of his
having remitted the penalty in the two first instances. Assume a mysterious
air of "I could if I would," when Miss Love's elopement is mentioned, and
state with heroic confidence that the Vesuvius scene in "Masaniello" at
Astley's beat Drury by thirteen bricks and two ounces of Greek fire. You
must pretend to know the salaries of all the _employés_ in every
establishment, and be able to describe the plot of every new piece the
moment it is underlined. You can obtain sufficient information to enable
you to pass muster on this subject any evening at the Garrick's Head. It
would be of great service if you could contrive to be seen in conversation
with a respectable actor now and then. You must have seen every sight and
exhibited at every exhibition in town, and be able to discuss their several
merits or demerits with a "learned spirit." A knowledge of the principal
nobility--by person at least--is a _sine qua non_, for how else should you
be able to recount the names of those you saw in the Park on Sunday last?
Keep a list of the ages and portions of as many young ladies as possible,
and be cautious how you dispose of your information on this score. These, I
think, are the principal topics; and the best advice I can give is, "Never
be quiet: speak on _ad infinitum_."

The man who inwardly digests these rules will be a treasure at any dinner
party. The awful silence which prevails on the removal of the
tablecloth--and an awful silence it surely is--will be dispelled. No
ordinary man thinks of speaking, except in monosyllables, till he gets a
little "elevated," and then he speaks nonsense as a matter of course. _You_
must keep sober--for people will occasionally get "mellow," even in good
society--and this you will easily manage to do by thinking of the immense
superiority you will thus secure on joining the ladies in the drawing-room.
You will be able to hand some blushing fair her coffee without pitching cup
and contents into her lap, and stoop to pick up her fan or handkerchief