has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th'
other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account
th' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is
through th' New York custom house.

"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th'
Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him
crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings.
Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an'
was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv
modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv
pinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy
comes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad
tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his
furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other
hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just
as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or
floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th'
pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy
bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most
marked. They make a handsome couple.'

"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat.
In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool
and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-read
iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyard
tournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightly
an' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliant
illuminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are much
frequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificial