an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv is
th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' ten
commandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make
thim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.'
But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been
there befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair
in th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand,
an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat.
'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th'
ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an
adder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th'
Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that
will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We
abolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make
th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have
ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th'
popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye
see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv
Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!'

"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all right
now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Some
iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened places
convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corroding
beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I see
wan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If the
sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes
care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve
dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times
eight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th'