"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are
doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away
undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th'
tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind
big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see
th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has
been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv
some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little
gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that
is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan,
Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender
in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give
him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd
about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather
ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be
helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight.
No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.

"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's a
fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrests
well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. So
he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r a
week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an'
romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th'
Dead-wood Dick series.

"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th'
declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind iv
gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbia