EXPERT TESTIMONY


"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man
must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors
don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do
that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with
money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r
sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a
crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a
certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're
let out iv Joliet.

"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'
scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That
still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'
privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely
hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure
an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther
his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy
atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome
pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury
iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole
judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged
an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory