APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for
doing our duty.

AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go
faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder
blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital.

AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they
can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its
origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to
Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the
Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.)

[Illustration]

AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the
newspapers.

* * * * *

See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his
autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M.
Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world.

"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the
ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I
was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or
two."