APRIL 13.

[Sidenote: Anxiety to get into the big game.]

There is absolutely no news. We are standing by for what may betide,
with not the faintest idea of what it may be. Of course, we are
drilling all the time, and perfecting our readiness for action in every
way, but there is a total absence of that excitement and sense of
something impending that one usually associates with the beginning of
war. Indeed, I think that the only real anxiety is lest we may not get
into the big game at all. I do not think any of us are bloodthirsty or
desirous of either glory or advancement, but we have the wish to justify
our existence. With me it takes this form--by being in the service I
have sacrificed my chance to make good as husband, father, citizen, son,
in fact, in every human relationship, in order to be, as I trust, one of
the Nation's high-grade fighting instruments. Now, if fate never uses me
for the purpose to which I have been fashioned, then much time, labor,
and material have been wasted, and I had better have been made into a
good clerk, farmer, or business man.

[Sidenote: The desire to be put to the test.]

I do so want to be put to the test and not found wanting. Of course, I
know that the higher courage is to do your duty from day to day no
matter in how small a line, but all of us conceal a sneaking desire to
attempt the higher hurdles and sail over grandly.

You need not be proud of me, for there is no intrinsic virtue in being
in the Navy when war is declared; but I hope fate will give me the