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The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.) by Various
page 127 of 202 (62%)
The minister smiled knowingly.

"You're on, I see. Ain't those official meetin's of a church the limit?
Gee! Once I went--a cold winter night--waded through snow knee-deep to a
giraffe--and sat there two hours, while they discussed whether they'd
fix the pastor's back fence or not--price six dollars! I didn't say
anything, bein' sort o' new, you know, but I made up my mind that next
time I'd turn loose on 'em, if it was the last thing I did.

"I says to my wife when I got home, 'Em,' says I, 'if gittin' religion
gives a man softenin' of the brain, like I see it workin' on them men
there to-night, I'm afraid I ain't on prayin' ground and intercedin'
terms, as the feller says. The men in that bunch to-night was worth over
eight hundred thousand dollars, and they took eleven dollars and a
half's worth o' my time chewin' the rag over fixin' the parson's fence.
I'm goin' to bed,' I says, 'and if I shouldn't wake up in the mornin',
if you should miss petty in the mornin', you may know his vital powers
was exhausted by the hilarious proceedin's of this evenin'.'

"But I must get along to my story, about my automatic pastor. One day
the preacher resigned,--life probably hectored out of him by a lot o'
cheap skates whose notion of holdin' office in church consisted in
cuttin' down expenses and findin' fault with the preacher because he
didn't draw in sinners enough to fill the pews and pay their bills for
'em.

"When it come to selectin' a committee to get a new pastor, I butted
right in. I had an idea, so--me to the front, leadin' trumps and bangin'
my cards down hard on the table. Excuse my gay and festive reference to
playin'-cards, but what I mean is, that I thought the fullness of time
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