as humiliation; (2) as revenge on
myself for Lincoln's Inn;

(3) as a testimony?

And so on. He found in the end ten 'negative reasons', with no
affirmative ones to balance them, and, after a week's
deliberation, he rejected the offer.

But peace of mind was as far off from him as ever. First the
bitter thought came to him that 'in all this Satan tells me I am
doing it to be thought mortified and holy'; and then he was
obsessed by the still bitterer feelings of ineradicable
disappointment and regret. He had lost a great opportunity, and
it brought him small comfort to consider that 'in the region of
counsels, self-chastisement, humiliation, self-discipline,
penance, and of the Cross', he had perhaps done right.

The crisis passed, but it was succeeded by a fiercer one. Manning
was taken seriously ill, and became convinced that he might die
at any moment. The entries in his Diary grew more elaborate than
ever; his remorse for the past, his resolutions for the future,
his protestations of submission to the will of God, filled page
after page of parallel columns, headings and sub-headings,
numbered clauses, and analytical tables. 'How do I feel about
Death?' he wrote. 'Certainly great fear:

1. Because of the uncertainty of our state before God. 2. Because
of the consciousness-(1) of great sins past, (2) of great
sinfulness, (3) of most shallow repentance. What shall I do?'