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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters by Artemus Ward
page 108 of 227 (47%)
"Dost thou not know?"

"No, I dostent!"

"Listin man, & I'll tell ye!" sed the strange female; "for
years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the world,
sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he would cum
and I took courage. He HAS cum--he's here--you air him--you
air my Affinerty! O 'tis too mutch! too mutch!" and she sobbed
agin.

"Yes," I anserd, "I think it is a darn site too mutch!"

"Hast thou not yearned for me?" she yelled, ringin her hands
like a female play acter.

"Not a yearn!" I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her
away from me.

The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene
commenst for to holler "shame" "beast," etsettery, etsettery.

I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare tent
stake, I addrest them as follers: "You pussylanermus critters,
go way from me and take this retchid woman with you. I'm a
law-abidin man, and beleeve in good, old-fashioned institutions.
I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I am a showman! I
think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents, besides bein
outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave desunt like other
folks? Go to work and earn a honist livin and not stay round
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