--who often reads my articles over 20 times afore he can make
anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to home says this is a
pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of
infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin' practycal woman. I luv her
muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a recklis
falshood that she henpecks me, and the young man in our
neighborhood who said to me one evenin', as I was mistenin' my
diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun--who said to
me in these very langwidge, "Go home, old man, onless you desires
to have another teapot throwd at you by B.J.," probly regrets
havin said so.

I said, "Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I
permits no person to alood to her as B.J. outside of the family
circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other
observations I scorn and disgust, and I must pollish you off."

He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he
enquired if I wanted to be ground to powder? I said, Yes: if
there was a Powder-grindist handy, nothin would 'ford me greater
pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye,
causin' me to make a rapid retreat into the fireplace. I hadn't
no idee that the enemy was so well organized. But I rallied and
went for him, in a rayther vigris style for my time of life. His
parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only
elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a shutter.
His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after
keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said:

"My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin'