"I interested myself in religion and philosophy; I became an
aggressive disciple of free-thought, as it is called. Radicalism of
every kind broke out in me, like an ailment. I bought cheap
free-thought literature; to one or two papers of the kind I even
contributed. I keep these effusions carefully locked up, for
salutary self-humiliation at some future day, when I shall have
grown conceited. Nay, I went further. I delivered lectures at
working-men's clubs, lectures with violent titles. One, I remember,
was called 'The Gospel of Rationalism.' And I was enthusiastic in
the cause, with an enthusiasm such as I shall never experience
again. Can I imagine myself writing and speaking such things
now-a-days? Scarcely: yet the spirit remains, it is only the
manifestations which have changed. I am by nature combative; I feel
the need of attacking the cherished prejudices of society; I have a
joy in outraging what are called the proprieties. And I wait for my
opportunity, which has yet to come."

"How commonplace my life has been, in comparison," said Julian,
after an interval of thoughtfulness.

"Your nature, I believe, is very pure, and therefore very happy. _I_
am what Browning somewhere calls a 'beast with a speckled hide,' and
happiness, I take it, I shall never know."

Julian could begin to see that his friend took something of a
pleasure in showing and dwelling upon the worst side of his own
character.

"You will be happy," he said, "when you once find your true work,