in Congress, no one valued my own of sufficient weight to be
recommended for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if it
had, its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing in
admiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or two since
expelled had been pleased to call it, and was as scrupulous of
having it called in question as a coy damsel. I who had virtues, was
cast out because the color of it, as seen through the spectacles of
my enemies, was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped the
sweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a wrong-headed world
we had-many a time! Every man has a history worth relating, or he
must be a poor being in the measure of his kind; but I am afraid
mine is becoming barren of entertainment."

I had myself become interested in the swine driver's melancholy, and
joining with the major, begged he would proceed with his story. "I
took my misfortunes like a philosopher, knowing full well that
heaven would grant me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, in
Washington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during the
campaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, hearing of
my poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, implored my
forgiveness, and offered to share with me the fruits of her infamy.
I freely forgave her; nor could I forbear to shed a tear at the
honesty of her repentance. But her gold I bid her give, as had been
a custom with her, to her friends, in places so high that the source
of their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Telling her I
had rather join the brigands in the hills of Lombardy than accept
her gold, I at once turned my energies to writing speeches for
members of Congress incapable of writing their own, and correcting
the dictum of those made by men whose time was too much taken up at
the gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, so easily