have been forced to climb many steps to reach the point where barriers
are fixed to ambition. But as it is, I began at the place which many of
the best men regard as the highest goal. The great man whom you loved
understood life better than you. Had I obeyed his wish, and in the
stillness of the cloister striven for blessings which do not belong to
this world, this miserable existence would have seemed less unendurable
to me, then doubtless a much wider space would have separated me from
despair; for I am so unhappy, mother, that I envy the poor peasant who
in the sweat of his brow gathers the harvest which his sterile fields
produce; for years I have been as wretched as the captive lion in its
cage, the lover whose bride is torn from him on the marriage day.
Imagine the wish as a woman, and beside her a magician who, by virtue of
the power which he possesses, cries, 'The fulfilment of every desire you
strive to attain shall be forever withheld,' and you will have an idea of
the devastated existence of the pitiable man who, if it were not sinful,
would curse those who gave him the life in which he has long seen nothing
save the horrible, jeering spectre of disappointment."

"Stop!" moaned Barbara sorrowfully, pressing her hand upon her brow as
if frantic. "So even my hardest sacrifice was futile, and what rendered
life valuable to my foolish heart was mere delusion and bewildering
deception. What I beheld raising you to the stars, as though with
eagles' wings, was a clogging weight; what seemed to me at a distance the
bright sunshine irradiating your path, was a Will-o'-the-wisp luring to
destruction. What I thought white, was black, the radiant daylight was
dusk and the darkness of night. Oh, if it were really granted me Yet,
child, you certainly do not know what you are asking. So, before it
comes to the final decision, let me put this one more question: Do you
believe, really and firmly, that if the confidence of the States-General
permits you to take your army by sea, and you lead it in England and