devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while,
even for some years together.

85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw
old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should
live here always: the other was, when I found professors much
distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of
husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here
about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal
things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if
they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of
this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!
My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good
condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem
myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count
those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little
burthens. A wounded spirit who can bear!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with
the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was
afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that
unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by
the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his
trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon
me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off:
and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also
strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment
of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord, let it