state. Years passed before any reconciliation entered my heart.
Storming the very gates of heaven, my cries at last summoned the
Divine Mother. Her words brought final healing to my suppurating
wounds:

"It is I who have watched over thee, life after life, in the
tenderness of many mothers! See in My gaze the two black eyes, the
lost beautiful eyes, thou seekest!"

Father and I returned to Bareilly soon after the crematory
rites for the well-beloved. Early every morning I made a pathetic
memorial--pilgrimage to a large SHEOLI tree which shaded the
smooth, green-gold lawn before our bungalow. In poetical moments,
I thought that the white SHEOLI flowers were strewing themselves
with a willing devotion over the grassy altar. Mingling tears with
the dew, I often observed a strange other-worldly light emerging
from the dawn. Intense pangs of longing for God assailed me. I felt
powerfully drawn to the Himalayas.

One of my cousins, fresh from a period of travel in the holy hills,
visited us in Bareilly. I listened eagerly to his tales about the
high mountain abode of yogis and swamis. {FN2-1}

"Let us run away to the Himalayas." My suggestion one day to
Dwarka Prasad, the young son of our landlord in Bareilly, fell on
unsympathetic ears. He revealed my plan to my elder brother, who
had just arrived to see Father. Instead of laughing lightly over
this impractical scheme of a small boy, Ananta made it a definite
point to ridicule me.