"No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin'
eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction.
They ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think
they were drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.'
'Tis an ol' war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin
a man is out in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th'
authentic dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith
an' Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th'
Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th'
canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he
has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he,
'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to r-
read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that I
believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more thin
half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure they
got into th' cellars."

"Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply stuck
on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it
possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see th'
signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own
gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter
iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny
American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that
has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be
brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave
us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all iv
us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic
struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin
she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that