to abstain. This--I shall speak of it again [9]--was the
greatest temptation I ever had, because it very nearly wrought my
utter ruin; [10] for, when I used to pray, if I offended God one
day, on the following days I would recollect myself, and withdraw
farther from the occasions of sin.

18. When that blessed man, having that good opinion of me, came
to visit me, it pained me to see him so deceived as to think that
I used to pray to God as before. So I told him that I did not
pray; but I did not tell him why. I put my infirmities forward
as an excuse; for though I had recovered from that which was so
troublesome, I have always been weak, even very much so; and
though my infirmities are somewhat less troublesome now than they
were, they still afflict me in many ways; specially, I have been
suffering for twenty years from sickness every morning, [11] so
that I could not take any food till past mid-day, and even
occasionally not till later; and now, since my Communions have
become more frequent, it is at night, before I lie down to rest,
that the sickness occurs, and with greater pain; for I have to
bring it on with a feather, or other means. If I do not bring it
on, I suffer more; and thus I am never, I believe, free from
great pain, which is sometimes very acute, especially about the
heart; though the fainting-fits are now but of rare occurrence.
I am also, these eight years past, free from the paralysis, and
from other infirmities of fever, which I had so often. These
afflictions I now regard so lightly, that I am even glad of them,
believing that our Lord in some degree takes His pleasure
in them.

19. My father believed me when I gave him that for a reason, as