whenever I call to mind my ingratitude and my wickedness.

31. It was more painful for me, in the state I was in, to receive
graces, when I had fallen into grievous faults, than it would
have been to receive chastisement; for one of those faults, I am
sure, used to bring me low, shame and distress me, more than many
diseases, together with many heavy trials, could have done.
For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them; and it seemed
to me that by them I was making some reparation for my sins,
though it was but slight, for my sins are so many. But when I
see myself receive graces anew, after being so ungrateful for
those already received, that is to me--and, I believe, to all who
have any knowledge or love of God--a fearful kind of torment. We
may see how true this is by considering what a virtuous mind must
be. Hence my tears and vexation when I reflected on what I felt,
seeing myself in a condition to fall at every moment, though my
resolutions and desires then--I am speaking of that
time--were strong.

32. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the midst of
such great dangers; it seems to me that if I had had any one with
whom I could have spoken of all this, it might have helped me not
to fall. I might, at least, have been ashamed before him--and
yet I was not ashamed before God.

33. For this reason, I would advise those who give themselves to
prayer, particularly at first, to form friendships; and converse
familiarly, with others who are doing the same thing. It is a
matter of the last importance, even if it lead only to helping
one another by prayer: how much more, seeing that it has led to