then, I say, it will be impossible to persevere long in it: and
if he persists in his plan, health will be ruined, because it is
a most painful process. Reading is of great service towards
procuring recollection in any one who proceeds in this way; and
it is even necessary for him, however little it may be that he
reads, if only as a substitute for the mental prayer which is
beyond his reach.

13. Now I seem to understand that it was the good providence of
our Lord over me that found no one to teach me. If I had, it
would have been impossible for me to persevere during the
eighteen years of my trial and of those great aridities because
of my inability to meditate. During all this time, it was only
after Communion that I ever ventured to begin my prayer without a
book--my soul was as much afraid to pray without one, as if it
had to fight against a host. With a book to help me--it was like
a companion, and a shield whereon to receive the blows of many
thoughts--I found comfort; for it was not usual with me to be in
aridity: but I always was so when I had no book; for my soul was
disturbed, and my thoughts wandered at once. With one, I began
to collect my thoughts, and, using it as a decoy, kept my soul in
peace, very frequently by merely opening a book--there was no
necessity for more. Sometimes, I read but little; at other
times, much--according as our Lord had pity on me.

14. It seemed to me, in these beginnings of which I am speaking,
that there could be no danger capable of withdrawing me from so
great a blessing, if I had but books, and could have remained
alone; and I believe that, by the grace of God, it would have
been so, if I had had a master or any one to warn me against