insupportable reluctance to change it. This reluctance was owing, not
wholly or chiefly to my growing passion, but to the attachment which
bound me to the service of my lady. All my contemplations had hitherto
been modelled on the belief of my remaining in my present situation
during my life. My mildest anticipations had never fashioned an event
like this. Any misfortune was light in comparison with that which tore
me from her presence and service. But, should I ultimately resolve to
separate, how should I communicate my purpose? The pain of parting would
scarcely be less on her side than on mine. Could I consent to be the
author of disquietude to her? I had consecrated all my faculties to her
service. This was the recompense which it was in my power to make for
the benefits that I had received. Would not this procedure bear the
appearance of the basest ingratitude? The shadow of an imputation like
this was more excruciating than the rack.

What motive could I assign for my conduct? The truth must not be told.
This would be equivalent to supplicating for a new benefit. It would
more become me to lessen than increase my obligations. Among all my
imaginations on this subject, the possibility of a mutual passion never
occurred to me. I could not be blind to the essential distinctions that
subsist among men. I could expatiate, like others, on the futility of
ribbons and titles, and on the dignity that was annexed to skill and
virtue; but these, for the most part, were the incoherences of
speculation, and in no degree influenced the stream of my actions and
practical sentiments. The barrier that existed in the present case I
deemed insurmountable. This was not even the subject of doubt. In
disclosing the truth, I should be conceived to be soliciting my lady's
mercy and intercession; but this would be the madness of presumption.
Let me impress her with any other opinion than that I go in search of
the happiness that I have lost under her roof. Let me save her generous