A RILL FROM THE TOWN PUMP

By Nathaniel Hawthorne



(SCENE.--The corner of two principal streets.--[Essex and Washington
Streets, Salem.]--The Town Pump talking through its nose.)


NOON, by the North clock! Noon, by the east! High noon, too, by these
hot sunbeams, which fall, scarcely aslope, upon my head, and almost
make the water bubble and smoke, in the trough under my nose. Truly, we
public characters have a tough time of it! And, among all the town
officers, chosen at March meeting, where is he that sustains, for a
single year, the burden of such manifold duties as are imposed, in
perpetuity, upon the Town Pump? The title of "town treasurer" is
rightfully mine, as guardian of the best treasure that the town has.
The overseers of the poor ought to make me their chairman, since I
provide bountifully for the pauper, without, expense to him that pays
taxes. I am at the head of the fire department; and one of the
physicians to the board of health. As a keeper of the peace, all water
drinkers will confess me equal to the constable. I perform some of the
duties of the town clerk, by promulgating public notices, when they are
posted on my front. To speak within bounds, I am the chief person of the
municipality, and exhibit, moreover, an admirable pattern to my brother
officers, by the cool, steady, upright, downright, and impartial
discharge of my business, and the constancy with which I stand to my
post. Summer or winter, nobody seeks me in vain; for, all day long, I am
seen at the busiest corner, just above the market, stretching out my