which I was then convinced of, to my everlasting benefit, I should have
publicly to declare of the gracious dealings of Divine Goodness to my
soul. The impression passed away with this remark deeply imprinted in my
mind, that if ever a like concern should come to be matured, I should date
the first intimation of it from this time. I was apt to view it for a
long, time as the mere workings of the enemy on my mind, and when it has
come before my view, I have often secretly said, "Get thee behind me, I
will not be tempted with such a thing." By these means I put it from me,
as it were, by force, not thinking it worthy of notice and often praying
to be delivered from such a gross delusion. At other times it would come
with such, weight on my spirit, that I could not avoid shedding tears, and
acknowledging the power which accompanied the revival of so important a
matter; and was led to query, If there is no real intention of a heavenly
nature, why am I thus harassed? and O the fervent sincerity in which I
desired that the right thing might have place, and if it was wrong, that I
might be enabled to find a release in His time who had appointed the
conflict! And I do believe, could I then have come at a perfect
resignation to the divine will, I might have been brought forward in a way
which would have afforded permanent relief to my own mind; but such was my
dislike to the work, that I suffered myself to be lulled into a state of
unbelief as to the rectitude of the concern.

Thus many outward circumstances transpired, and some years passed over,
with my only viewing the matter at a distance, until He who first laid the
concern upon me was pleased to bring it more clearly home to me, and
seemed at times to engage his servants, both in public and private, to
speak very clearly to my condition. And although I had a concurring
testimony in my own mind to their declarations, yet I had always an excuse
to flee unto by secretly saying, It may be intended for some one else;
until the Most High was graciously pleased, by the services of his sincere