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Perfect Behavior; a guide for ladies and gentlemen in all social crises by Donald Ogden Stewart
page 31 of 153 (20%)
unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy
enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him
pleasantly and remark, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?"
"What are you doing?" is his answer. "Unpacking," you reply.
"What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. "What's that?"
says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." "What's
that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he.
"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?"
"No," says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of
relief, "is a razor. Here --take it and play with it." In three
minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride's brother will
have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him
to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking.


THE BRIDE'S TEA

The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a
tea at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to
become "acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the
hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea.
Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in
your ear, "For God's sake, remember to tell them that her father
and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form." This is
an awfully good joke on her father and mother.

As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the
hall a chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez
vous!" Those are your ushers.

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