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Augustus Does His Bit by George Bernard Shaw
page 10 of 35 (28%)
mornings, as [hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed.

AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there
and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.

THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's
changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking
at the bar. I'm a respectable man and must buy my drink and take
it home with me. And they won't serve me with less than a quart.
If you'd told me before the war that I could get through a quart
of whisky in a day, I shouldn't have believed you. That's the
good of war: it brings out powers in a man that he never
suspected himself capable of. You said so yourself in your speech
last night.

AUGUSTUS. I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You
ought to be ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this
drunken slacking. I'm going to establish a new order of things
here. I shall come down every morning before breakfast until
things are properly in train. Have a cup of coffee and two rolls
for me here every morning at half-past ten.

THE CLERK. You can't have no rolls. The only baker that baked
rolls was a Hun; and he's been interned.

AUGUSTUS. Quite right, too. And was there no Englishman to take
his place?

THE CLERK. There was. But he was caught spying; and they took him
up to London and shot him.
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