WHEREAS it has frequently and regrettably been evidenced that
Nature is a sot at heart, by reason of her deplorably lax morals.
Painful as it is to make the admission, there are many of her
apparently innocent fruits and plants that are susceptible, by the
unlawful processes of fermentation and effervescence, of
transformation into alcoholic liquid. Science tells us that this
abominable form of activity to which Nature is privy is in reality
a form of decomposition or putrefaction; but willful men will
hardly be restrained by science in their illicit pursuit of
frivolity.

WHEREAS Nature (hereinafter referred to as The Enemy) has been
guilty of repeated ruptures of the Constitution of the United
States, having permitted the juice of apples to ferment into
cider, having encouraged seditious effervescence on the part of
gooseberries, currants, raisins, grapes and similar conspirators;
having fomented outrageous yeastiness in hops, malt, rye, barley
and other grains and fodders,

THEREFORE be it enacted, and it hereby is, that all relations with
the Enemy are hereby and henceforward suspended; and any citizen
of the United States having commerce with Nature, or giving her
aid and comfort or encouragement in her atrocious alcoholshevik
designs on human dignity, be, and hereby is, guilty of treason and
lese-sobriety.

BE IT ALSO enacted, and it hereby is, that the principle of
fermentation is forbidden in the territory of the United States;
and all plants, herbs, legumes, vegetables, fruits and foliage
showing themselves capable of producing effervescent juices or