from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink
greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in
my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned
at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me:
alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor
favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart
would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;
which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of
the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach
the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the
promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and
feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin,
and that lay under a law that would condemn.

80. These things have often made me think of the child which the
father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was
thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he
lay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself
up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my
unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him
out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh,
cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass,
and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word
would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded
thee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5.