"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that th' la-ad out in Kansas that thried to
r-run a paper like what th' Lord wud r-run if he had lived in Topeka,
has thrun up th' job."

"Sure, I niver heerd iv him," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, 'twus this way with him," Mr. Dooley explained. "Ye see, he
didn't like th' looks iv th' newspapers. He got tired iv r-readin' how
many rows iv plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on th' las' dhress she
bought, an' whether McGovern oughtn't to go into th' heavy-weight class
an' fight Jeffries, an' he says, says th' la-ad, 'This is no right
readin' f'r th' pure an' passionless youth iv Kansas,' he says. 'Give
me,' he says, 'a chanst an' I'll projooce th' kind iv organ that'd be
got out in hiven,' he says, 'price five cints a copy,' he says, 'f'r
sale be all newsdealers; f'r advertisin' rates consult th' cashier,' he
says. So a man in Topeka that had a newspaper, he says: 'I will not be
behindhand,' he says, 'in histin' Kansas up fr'm its prisint low an'
irrellijous position,' he says. 'I don't know how th' inhabitants iv
th' place ye refer to is fixed,' he says, 'f'r newspapers,' he says,
'an' I niver heerd iv annybody fr'm Kansas home-stakin' there,' he says,
'but if ye'll attind to th' circulation iv thim parts,' he says, 'I'll
see that th' paper is properly placed in th' hands iv th' vile an'
wicked iv this earth, where,' he says, 'th' returns ar-re more quick,'
he says."

"Well, th' la-ad wint at it, an' 'twas a fine paper he made. Hogan was
in here th' other day with a copy iv it an' I r-read it. I haven't had
such a lithry threat since I was a watchman on th' canal f'r a week with
nawthin' to r-read but th' delinquent tax list an' the upper half iv a